She held her own tiny frame. Her chin rested on her bony knees and her elbows jutted out to the side as though guarding herself from those who could cause her harm. Her hair lay lifeless on top her head, the once vibrant colour fading to a dull grey. Her clothes hung off her body. She was silent. Oddly silent. I remember the days she was bouncy and full of life, I remember the days when she could never be silenced, but now she just sits there gazing into a distance that isn’t there with a stare that seems to state that she isn’t quite here. The old days have gone, the past is the past and we are each affected by it in different ways. She is overwhelmed by the past, her mind whirling with what ifs and what could have been. What she’s been through you could only attempt to understand through what she tells you, but how do you get close to someone who constantly is separated from reality, someone who won’t let anyone anywhere near? You could never understand how she felt, what she thought or why she did the things she did; but you want to understand. Imagine being able to feel something completely different, something completely alien to you? Imagine being able to almost become someone else? To feel exactly what they feel. To know exactly what they know. To do exactly what they do. To know exactly why they do what they do. Imagine being able to know how they do those things? Could you even begin to imagine the tears she shed? Could you even begin to imagine the fear she must have felt? Could you even begin to imagine the loneliness she must have endured? Her life will never be easy; every day will be a struggle. She must be strong to be coping as she has been doing, but I can’t help but wonder what is happening behind those wide, vacant eyes as they stare at something that isn’t quite there.

Escape. That’s what it’s all about. Don’t we all wish we could just escape from it all? Don’t we all wish we could just run away and not be followed? What if she is close to that escape, what if she actually manages to escape from reality? At times I’m jealous of her, I’m jealous of her willpower and her strength, but at the same time I’m using her as an example to not become like her. I’m stuck in the middle. I don’t know which direction to turn. I don’t know who to turn to. I am just holding onto to that future so I can pull myself towards it. Scared? You bet.

I want to know what is in that distance that isn’t there. I want to know where she is that isn’t here.